From Our Local Government Correspondent
PLYMOUTH CITY COUNCIL is cock-a-hoop this week following the grand unveiling of its latest multi-million-pound “Urban Transformation Scheme” in the city centre.
The civic top brass are loudly praising the lovely new paving, avant-garde water features, and architectural twigs masquerading as trees. It is, by all accounts, a genuinely delightful space—provided you don’t look too closely at the bill, which is currently being hidden under a very expensive piece of new Cornish granite.
However, the celebratory glasses of council-funded prosecco had barely stopped fizzing before senior officials began sweating over the real threat to this shiny new utopia: The Public.
“It’s absolutely marvellous,” whispered one nervous council insider from behind a newly installed concrete planter. “The design is flawless. It’s vibrant, it’s modern, it’s a masterclass in urban regeneration. The only fly in the ointment is that people might actually use it.”
According to leaked memos from the civic centre, the beautiful new paving is expected to last approximately three weeks before it undergoes the traditional local custom of “Devonshire Seasoning”—a delicate top-coating of discarded pasty wrappers, crushed cider cans, and erratic patterns of chewing gum.
Furthermore, skateboarders have already been spotted eyeing up the pristine new granite benches with a look that can only be described as “deeply ambitious,” while the local seagull population is reportedly holding a summit to discuss optimal air-strike positioning over the new open-air seating.
“We’ve done our bit by making it lovely,” our source added, adjusting their high-vis jacket. “But frankly, if the citizens of Plymouth insist on walking on it, sitting on it, and generally carrying on as they always do, the whole thing will be thoroughly ruined by August. We are strongly urging everyone to look at it from a safe distance, preferably via Google Maps, and stay at home.”
In a related story, plans to protect the new plaza by wrapping the entire city centre in giant layers of bubble wrap have been delayed due to “procurement issues.”
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